Ravings of a man with too much time on his hands

Posted in Uncategorized on March 1, 2017 by bespokekenya

I suddenly find myself with a lot of time on my hands and I realized, It has been a long while since I posted here, to be more accurate, it has been 3 year and in that time a lot of things have changed. I wore braces, I changed my wardrobe, I grew five strands of hair on my chin and even more significant, my social media really took off, that means I went from being a lazy bum who spends all day seated to a lazy bum who spends all day seated while lying to myself that I am a popular person. Every single day I log into my accounts to see people who have repeatedly stabbed the very concept of language and are now hacking its guts up on their page. I haven’t written in so long because apparently a whole page can be summarized by one meme, the whole a picture is worth a thousand words and all.IMG_20161124_130149.JPG

i mean,even Jesus cannot catch a break

I miss the old days when I could actually read books daily and I had other people I could talk to about reading, we felt as the erudite we occupied a space that was reserved for the gods of men, but now I can’t even bring myself to read an actual book unless it is in e form or a how to manual, that makes me sad. They say history is written by the victors (and rewritten by victor who seats in the University of Nairobi main library who has some interesting theories on life as a whole). This makes me wonder what the generations after us will venerate us for because clearly we will not be the victors.

We are a generation lost in narcissism. A populace who believe no experience is worth having unless it is uploaded and receive hits or likes the pinnacle of achievement is crushing yourself to receive meme status. A society that believes less clothing and “sexy” bodies equate to more likes which in turn feeds our sense of worth. Make no mistake, I am one of these people, but I dare to think outside the box sometimes.

While I love a lot of the aspects of social media ,I wonder what normal people who hope to accomplish something feel. What I have personally achieved using the internet is heavily borrowing for my school work and project, heavily borrowing being polite talk for plagiarizing like a errrm  plagiarist (the internet has made me slow) and also making scores of people, whom I have never and will probably never, meet think I am a good guy who has a life, stream so much prurient material that even I needed to tell myself to chill out and the most worthwhile to me, learn how to dress impeccably.

There was a time I was considered ridiculously smart, a time before Google when I could say whatever I wanted and no one could refute because I was so well read, now those days are gone, people ask even the simplest questions and there isn’t even a straightforward answer, for example, which is the tallest mountain, the answer would have been Everest in my day but nooo in the Zuckerberg and pokemon deregulated world, The highest mountain may not necessarily be the tallest mountain. The highest mountain refers to the height of the mountain above mean sea level. The tallest mountain refers to the height of the mountain above its base. The highest mountain may not necessarily be the largest mountain and neither should the largest mountain be the tallest. The largest mountain has the biggest volume or largest base area and height.

  1. The highest mountain (based on height above sea level) is Mount Everest
  2. The tallest Mountain (based on a base above sea level) is Mount McKinley followed by Mount Kilimanjaro and then Mount Nanga Parbat
  3. The tallest mountain (based on a base below sea level) is Mount Kea
  4. The largest mountain (based on base area and volume) is Mount Kilimanjaro

How I’m I supposed to remember all that, I’m an old man who needs space in his head to remember the last episode of suits I watched as I download new episodes and also which route to use to avoid restarting temple run…I’m sorry does temple run still exist anyway?

The point of all this is to think that maybe, just maybe I should be doing something worthwhile because in the words of Albert Pike, what we have done for ourselves dies with us, what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal, it may take some time to get thee but I have a feeling that if we aspire to help society, maybe our kids won’t just be proud of the fact that their parents achieved meme status thirty years from now.

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The Theory Of Everything

Posted in Inspiration, Movie, Romance with tags , , , , , , , on December 10, 2014 by bespokekenya

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“I don’t think you realize what lies ahead. Jane, his life is going to be very short so be careful, the weight of science is against you and this won’t be a fight, this is going to be a very heavy defeat for all of us.”

“I know what you all think, that I don’t look like a terribly strong person but I love him and he loves me we are going to fight this illness together, all of us.”

The theory of everything is one of those rare movies you watch and it brings out a plethora of emotions and makes you think long and hard. Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones bring the pain and triumph of this couple so incisively that it makes you want to cry when they cry and smile when they smile. It encompasses everything you want in a movie, inspiration, smiles, joy and romance. I have never been a big fan of true life stories or biopics but this might just be the best movies I’ve watched this year and it couldn’t come at a better time. A time when the world is at war, a time when politics and religion have been used to dissever, a time where the future of mankind seems bleak at best. Never has the question “In a world that is in chaos politically, socially and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?” been more apt.

Stephen William Hawking was diagnosed with motor neurone disease when he was 21, in 1963. At the time, doctors gave him a life expectancy of two years. After his diagnosis, Hawking fell into a depression; though his doctors advised that he continue with his studies, he felt there was little point. Enter Jane Wilde. Even when Hawking himself tried to dissuade her by telling her, “I have two years to live, I have to work. You have no idea what’s coming it will affect everything.” She tells him “I want us to be together for as long as we’ve got and if that’s not very long then that’s just how it is it will have to do.” This is a rare kind of woman and one of the highlights of the story for me.

This is quite frankly a love we wish we could all have. A rare kind of love that exists, but is rarely found. Don’t get me wrong, dating a guy with a drug habit and a bad boy attitude just because your friends and family tell you not to is not the kind of romance I mean. I mean the kind where your significant other has a situation of which it seems nearly impossible to rise from at that moment.

Hawking is now 72,and considered one of the greatest minds on the planet. If a diagnosis of two years of life can be overcome and still be alive 51 years later, then none of the challenges we face in our lives are insurmountable. My issues now seem extremely insignificant when compared to other people’s issues. It doesn’t matter what you are going through, we can get through anything. If you surround yourself with the right people, people who will pick you up when you are down, people who will want good things for you. Good friends are rare to find, but if you find some hang on to them. If you are going to love, love wholly, give your all and don’t take anything for granted.

“It is clear we are just an advanced breed of primates on a planet orbiting around a very average star in the outer suburb of one in a billion galaxies. But ever since the dawn of civilization, people have craved for an understanding of the underlying order of the world. There ought to be something very special about the boundary conditions of the universe and what can be more special than that there is no boundary? And there should be no boundary to human endeavor. We are all different, however bad life may seem there’s always something you can do and succeed at while there is life, there is hope.”

im stronger because i had to be....

The Devil is Not To Blame

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on November 4, 2014 by bespokekenya

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“A certain sense of cruelty towards oneself and others is Christian, hatred of those who think differently, the will to persecute. Mortal hostility against the masters of the earth, against the noble, that is also Christian, hatred of mind, of pride, of courage, freedom, libertinage of mind, is Christian, hatred of the senses and of joy in general is Christian.” Friedrich Nietzsche.

So this week people have been up in arms about a preacher who was featured on the news fleecing people out of their money using fake miracles. It purported that he lied to his congregation about curing some very debilitating illnesses including HIV to get them to cough up. The amount he asked for was310 shillings which I have no idea how he got at that.

So here is my main problem…I seriously do not get why people are this outraged. If you were conned using someone’s intelligence then doesn’t that just make you stupider than the person conning you. In my books, when someone outwits you then you should blame yourself…granted he was taking advantage of desperate people. Those with HIV and cancers are willing to try anything to get better because that is tantamount to a death sentence. But the rest of the population raising hell because you willingly gave him your money..shame on you. Throwing stones at a man who is already down like you wouldn’t have done the same. If you are such an upright Christian then you should pray for him to change. I won’t lie, I was among the people throwing jabs and condemning him on twitter but I have a very good excuse why I did that and others shouldn’t….i am not a very good Christian, I am a work in progress.

If a burglar comes at you with a weapon,you have no choice you have to give him your money, but if someone feeds you a load of crap and you WILLINGLY send it, that’s your fault because you had a choice. The problem with humans is that we need someone or something to believe in and also to blame when things go wrong. That’s why we are so quick to send money to spiritual guides who act as intermediaries between us and a Greater being and why we are so quick to blame our actions on the devil.

I get really mad at people who do dumb shit and then claim the devil is to blame. Same as the people who claim that certain parts of the road are haunted or blood sacrifices are to blame for the number of accidents. The real reason is, some dumb ass fell asleep at the wheel and veered off the road, or you didn’t take care of your car and it caused an accident. The devil wherever he is must be very proud of himself being blamed for stuff that’s not even his fault.

There are thousands of fake preachers and prophets in the country, why persecute one? Even the Catholic Church is built on The rock (peter), murder, oppression and a slew of many other things that would make saint peter turn in his grave. I hope I do not rub anyone the wrong way but we all know the church isn’t all it is supposed to be. I am a staunch protestant and I go to church every single Sunday, but the church has never forced me to give any money, I do it of my own volition.

Adolf Hitler once said that the greatness of every mighty organization embodying an idea in this world lies in the religious fanaticism and intolerance with which, fanatically convinced of its own right, it intolerantly imposes its will against all others. This is what has given rise to people shoving religion down other people’s throats and therein lies the reason why Christians think they are superior, Muslims murder each other in the name of religion and all this points to a broken sense of morality where you use spirituality to be a persnickety prick. Any religious fanaticism is worse than lack of belief.

It is my personal belief that religion as a whole has failed most of the people. You have concentrated so much on who is delivering the message instead of concentration on who the message is about. Any true believer knows the only relationship that matters is between you and God, so if you have a healthy relationship with Him, stop concentrating so much on your pastor, they are human and as such are prone to errors. I am in no way trying to vindicate the ‘Prophet’ but come on, cut him some slack, he is just a man trying to earn a living just like anybody else the only difference being that he took advantage of your stupidity to do it. Seeing as Christianity is built on forgiveness and love, why don’t we try to be more understanding.

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For the member of the congregation who gives money expecting money and also those who give and leave themselves with nothing because a Man of the cloth dictated it, you are a stupid person and you deserve every bad thing that befalls you. If you are going to give, give because you want to help the gospel grow but not because you will get returns, this isn’t a pyramid scheme or a quid pro quo situation where you give a thousand and you get three thousand. Those who leave their family with no food, shelter,no fees and give all to the church are fanatics and in my book fanatics are among the most despicable people on the planet. Friedrich Nietzsche nailed it when he said fanaticism is the only form of willpower to which the weak and irresolute can rise.

Anyway I am quite convince that come Sunday, the church will still have a congregation, the man will convince them that the devil is using the media to persecute him and he will say that it shows his message is getting across because the devil goes H.A.M on those with the strongest faith et cetera et cetera. To this I say, you smart people stop taking advantage of the people who have embraced their ignorance because I firmly believe that after the exposé you would have to be rather dimwitted to go back there.

What happens after we are dead? The irony is that all our questions will be answered after we die. We spend our whole life trying to figure out the truth and the only way we will find out what it is, is to get hit by a bus. And the only comfort that religion offers is that God is driving that bus.

à la prochaine

TRIBUTE TO THE SAD,LONELY CLOWN: Spit is the Devil’s Lube

Posted in Uncategorized on October 14, 2014 by bespokekenya

So this is breast cancer awareness month, and yesterday I was shocked to find out that majority of the deaths these days are due to our lifestyles. When did it become so cool to eat junk food and spend the whole day seated playing video games or watching movies? So I let my mind wander to a scenario that would take place if I dropped dead given my unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle.
(So this is a possible scene at my burial service)
We are here to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of Brian Gichaga Njeri, how do we measure the worth of a man’s life? There is a time to be born and a time to die, a time to reap and a time to sow, a time to mourn and a time to heal. So we say goodbye to a loving son, uncle, friend and world class connoisseur of the booty….so does anyone have something to say about him…..
(I assume I will be there in ethereal form looking on. Here the ghost of a friend who lived like me will appear and this is our conversation)
Me: Hey Jim, How is heaven like,
Jim: unbelievable, it is like paradise…like your house if you were Hugh Hefner. You do anything you want, beautiful people all day, women who believe anything you tell them. I wish I could save you a seat, but that’s not where they sent me.
Me: Then, How did you know how heaven is like?
Jim: They make us look at a dvd when they are putting lube on the pitch fork.
Me: At least you get lube.
Jim: Only on the middle prong.
(So my best friend stands up to talk about me to the mourners)
What can I say about Brian, so many words come to mind so few you can say in church, but I will give it a try. Brian was a man of love, he loved his friends, he loved his family but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway, this was a man so full of love that it practically oozed out of him, at which point, of course, he would see a doctor but I kid the diseased whoremonger.
(Here my ghost would have heard enough and after vowing to haunt the aforementioned best friend would disappear to go haunt my former campus comrades and all my exes)
So I think to prevent that sad scenario, I have decided to start eating more healthy foods and do some exercise…..i know it is easier said than done but I am determined to start…in 2015.
My biggest problem right now about getting checkups is…how exactly do I go about it getting my prostate checked? I have to let a doctor give me the treatment inmates receive when they firsts get to jail. So I assume I will have downed enough drugs to knock out a baby hippo and when he starts I am still convinced I may scream and ask for the sweet release of death but I know it is for my own good. After the checkup I will go home and wait for a week after which I will call my doctor to find if my results are ok and apologize to the doctor for all the name calling when he put his fingers up the heart of darkness to check if my prostate is ok.
Anyway back to reality, I do not live as badly as my imaginary situation would indicate, but I, like millions of other men who are skinny, do not think that exercise is important for us because we do not have any fat to lose but turns out you can have health issues related to your diet no matter your body size.
So what is my point? Go get regular checkups if you have any future dreams and aspirations that you would want to live long enough to see. Why did I have to tell such a long unnecessary story to get this point across??No idea I have no one to talk to so I get kind of lonely and talk a lot when I get the chance to.
à la prochaine

Ravings of a sad and lonely clown

Posted in Uncategorized on October 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

So it’s been quite a while since I last posted here….reason why…my life was going great, not to say I only write when I am miserable, but I usually write to vent so I have been busy just doing stuff. A lot has been happening in my life, I finished university but haven’t graduated yet, I moved from my house and moved back home with my mum, I haven’t dated in almost two years and I lost touch with everyone I used to talk to.
I searched for a job but I knew it was an exercise in futility, the government is so proud to announce that the economy has risen and we are now the 9th richest country on the continent. To apply some reduction ad absurdum….whoopty freaking doo….what does that do for me? The citizens have never been more miserable, everything is more expensive, people losing their jobs left and right, the cost of living is now higher than ever, thousands more are unemployed….i mean what good is it even if we were the richest country on the planet and I am still struggling? I am a big supporter of the government but how about you keep some of this stuff to yourselves until you help the suffering people first?
Another issue, I am usually a very happy man, I love laughing, as evidenced by my twitter and Facebook feed, I post a lot of jokes….but lately I am finding less and less to laugh about. I am not depressed, I am just disillusioned. Growing up I was told, study hard and go to university then when you finish you will get a good job….well I completed my degree and guess what, so did everybody else, every person of this generation has a degree so now the only option I have is get my butt back to school and get a masters (which I am sure the minute I am done ever freaking person will have one as well). I am not mad at anyone in particular, I just want to leave my mum’s house, be a man and pay my own bills.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very comfortable but I have been thinking of the jobs available to me, the most readily available is selling insurance which I cannot do to save my life. They are paid on commission and I know I would never get paid, I am not very convincing and I suck as a liar so that’s out. I thought I could try being a high class male escort but that is laughable, I am not Channing Tatum or Joe Manganiello heck I’m not like any guy in magic mike, I don’t have a killer body and a deep voice. I am a lean guy with an eerily high pitched voice. Any lady who would pay me to be her male companion would have to be crazy or a serial murderer. Plus I don’t bring out the crazy ‘take me right here right now emotions in women’ I am the more,’awww you are such a nice guy, let’s be friends’ kind of guy.
I could try selling drugs or doing anything illegal but I am too much of a coward, I can’t run if I am chased and should I be arrested, these wet noodles I call arms would stop very few prison rapes, the inmates would be lining up to get a piece, so no thank you. They say the key to trying new things is confidence but I am confident I won’t try any of those so I am still thinking of more options.
Speaking of my mum, she is the greatest human being on earth, she doesn’t mind me staying here for as long as it takes but she told me she knows I am a lazy ass and if I stay at home I will never look for a job…which is true. So in my time here, I have become very well acquainted with the Kardashians, I Know what celebrity did what and who changed their hair, I know the fashion tips for summer, I now know who Zuhair Murad is and  what a crop top and faux leather pants are….i mean I am going out of my mind. I can very comfortably host E news with Giuliana and Terrence. Basically I do nothing but watch mind numbing television. On the plus side, I can name a number of animals I didn’t know, and I think I can be a bit of a scientist and geologist thanks to Nat Geo….but I don’t think my mum spent so much money on my education for me to come stay home and just be a general nuisance.
The unemployment affects my dating life, because as a general romantic I cannot date a lady because I need to take her out and buy her nice stuff and all that. Also I am way past the age of bringing girls back to my mother’s house. So last year in anticipation of that, last year I decided to try a whole year of being single and celibate…and it worked….it worked toooo well, now I am a sexually repressed human being who is a gentle breeze away from having an accident in my pants. So I have tried everything there is to try, I have tried being lascivious, I have tried celibacy, now next I will try being in a relationship and seeing if I can stave off the feeling of blowing my brains out after a week.
I am also really worried about the kind of girl I will get. As time goes girls seem to get more, for lack of a better word, emancipated. Everybody has always been for the rights of the girl child, exhibit A, Emma Watson’s #HeforShe and I am down with that, but they seem to forget that the boy child needs attention too. Men are becoming drunks and having to deal with today’s woman is a nightmare. I don’t want to get a woman who seems to think she is too good to cook, or clean or respect me just because she is educated and earns a good salary. These women are the devil’s life coaches in my opinion.

After all these years you would think I would have gotten quite a number of friends, because let’s face it, I am adorable, nice and I get along with people. But noooo, I have fewer friends than ever, the friends I did have turned out to be some crappy ass people, the few good ones I have are all busy and I haven’t seen them in months. You would think a grown ass man can pick better friends but sadly, my socialization level is at a pre-teen level which is pretty sad if you ask me. All I want is a group of friends who I can hang out with and be silly with, like the fellas in Friends, or how I met your mother or basically any group that is cool

But I am a glass half full kind of guy, I have my health, I have the basic needs and I have internet access, I am good. But maybe it is time for us to quit being the problem and being the solution, create your own jobs, stop relying on other people for your happiness and learn to take the positives in every situation. Ancient Greeks had a term for living up to one’s potential, Telos. The challenge of our lives is figuring out what we were born to do and doing it to the best of our abilities. The real Greek tragedy is spending the rest of your life chasing the wrong Telos.

So the my article’s raison d’etre…the economy is getting better but the citizens lives are going down the proverbial toilet, unemployment is a bitch and I am a whiny skinny man who needs to find friends and get laid, not in that particular order. And as usual if you read this and it offends you, I don’t care, I didn’t ask you to read it but if you read it and it strikes a chord with you, then you are welcome.

à la prochaine

Being Single

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

What happened to the days when you could say you were single and people would envy you? Nowadays you tell people you are single and they look at you with that…look-at-that-loser look…and in my case they actual do say that out loud…but my friends only, nobody else has the audacity to call me a loser(at least not to my face)it seems that the whole world has become enthralled with the idea of being  a couple, never mind that almost half the people in relationships are cheating but what matters is they can associate as part of a romantic pair.

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This is also seen in the musical numbers being churned out by the day, what happened to the happy to be single songs? I don’t mean like Jason Derulo’s  ridin’ solo (that was not a man celebrating being single, it was a man wishing he was still in a relationship).I absolutely love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake but I wish there was a less depressing song a single person like me could sing to and not feel like I should be curled up in the fetal position with a ton of ice cream crying. My friend, who is recently single, recently being 3 days, just told me that all love songs are depressing…why do we associate with a certain kind of music when we are in different states? I think we should listen to all love songs and be indifferent even after a break up after all it’s not like we were was dating the one who is singing or the song isn’t about us (unless you happen to have dated Taylor swift, or Adele, then you are well and truly screwed).but this helps expound my idea on needing less depressing songs. I think Macklemore and Lewis had a good idea with the thrift shop jam, now that’s a good song, even a poor person who cannot afford designer wear can jam to this and feel empowered.

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These days it feels like I’m engaging in a lot of conversations that involve the words dry spell. Getting some, lonely and more dramatic ones like, use it or lose it. There is nothing wrong with being celibate. Recently I attended a church service where the pastor said that as society progresses. The trend is getting worrying; the single people are having more than the married ones sex and with more partners. According to me, this can all be blamed on women.

it used to be the men who were “chasing tail “to use a crude reference but now the tables have turned and women also ventured into the  foray. As a man, you are always expected to try to score with a lady, and in the olden days we could always rely on the ladies to shoot you down and thus the rampant sex wasn’t as evident as it is now. These days the numbers of girls who shoot men down are dwindling by the day. Also the women now feel empowered enough to walk up to a man and suggest casual sex with a straight face. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a good thing. I thought it would turn me on to no end when a lady did that to me, but oh the naivety of youth.

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The first time that happened to me I was very flattered thinking, I must be all  sorts of adorable to have someone as hot as her suggest casual sex and I got a huge ego boost(which my friends will say I did not need since I am my own biggest fan) however at some point it becomes old. Unfortunately men really do want the thrill of the chase, even the lazy ones like me. The stupidly constructed adage  ‘why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free’ meaning that men wouldn’t date a lady who sleeps with them while not in a relationship, never mind that these same men say you are uppity when you refuse to sleep with them, thus my parting shot on this is, you can never please  everybody no matter how hard you try, so give up trying and just do what makes you happy, if you want to hold on to it why not, if you want to exorcise your sexual demons outside a relationship, still why not, it’s a free country, for those men and women who judge others since they can’t understand why they do what they do and use terms like slut,whore,loose,go to hell, that’s that.

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If you are single quit fretting about lack of a partner, just keep doing you, don’t put your life on pause waiting for someone, do whatever makes you happy and  make yourself a better you .find some new hobbies, and use every relationship as a lesson, never let the next relationship get the same person you were in the previous one…the reason I say this is because for a long time I believed I was God’s gift to women, thinking I was the best boyfriend in the world since I’m a romantic and all, but reality check time, I realized I was a pompous ass and this belief that I was a good boyfriend was causing the end of my relationships since I always assumed the ladies were the problem. I can be a bit annoying and have larger than life expectations sometimes but I’ve learnt that to be happy learn to have low expectations and thus you will never be disappointed and lastly learn to accept people as they are don’t judge anyone because you do not understand them, be open to new things and get out of your comfort zone, do that and you will be happier than you have been, and this I say from experience.

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But at this age where we are all worried because we are supposed to be looking for partners because our biological clocks are ticking, and yes even men are included. but i just think that if you believe you will get the special person meant for you. Leave the happy couples you see,you don’t know what skeletons are in their closets plus,there’s a reason and a season for everything. use this time to enjoy yourself because one day you will be in a relationship and you will wish you were single or at least wish you had some great memories from when you were single.

Being single doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve and t doesn’t mean you know nothing about love, it’s just wiser than being in a fake relationship.

à la prochaine

 

 

 

 

Sometimes Love is Just not enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

I got this title from a Patty Smyth song which I never fully got until now because I’ve always been such a romantic I always seemed to think that if you love someone that’s all that matters and everything else in between can be worked out, I still think that but I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

Every once in a while you meet someone, a very special someone who turns your whole world upside down. There exists a finite combination of words in the English language but you try all possible combinations and then some trying to ensure that the conversation never ends. Well this has happened to me. The period between my last post and this one is the time it has taken for me to meet someone, fall in love and wait for the novelty to wear off once I realized I’d never get this person, so if you want someone to blame for my silence, blame her.

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In my last post here. I talked about her, and this is where we got to know each other. She is the single most amazing lady I have met in my life, the kind of person fairy tales are made to describe. Little blue birds float around, trees sing, cute piglets in top hats appear and sing, colors are brighter the air is fresher and the world seems like a better place…….ok maybe the birds and pigs are a stretch but in all honesty I haven’t been so happy in a long time, maybe ever. But what happens when you think something is going somewhere and it isn’t, and what happens when you decide that you would rather hurt than feel nothing at all???

I have always been an ardent advocate of not changing to appease people and while I still am, I finally know what people mean when they say they met someone who makes them want to be a better person. I met someone who I could be myself with, I told her everything I have done, while I am no Adolf Hitler, I am far from a saint so suffice it to say I have done some pretty bad things in my day. But I shared them all, I didn’t leave anything out or try to present a propitious picture of myself. Against all odds she liked me and I was really enamored. We painted a picture of a very cute happy couple, and it wasn’t just us, others saw it too. Every day nothing mattered but her, if we didn’t talk or see each other that were a wasted day. My studies didn’t matter, I stopped hanging out with my friends and tried as much as possible to become someone she could actually like and be proud of it.

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So in a nutshell this girl was like me in everything that mattered the only tiny differences were our characters, she is a people person while I prefer being alone, she sees good in everybody while I think most people have ulterior motives but that didn’t matter much. The first few months were great spending time together talking from the minute our eyes opened to when we slept, I was happy and that was all that mattered. During the Christmas break I was miserable for the 3 weeks I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t wait to be back here. I sent her very mushy messages every day and for a while, Shakespeare had nothing on me, I was writing things that ought to make the valentines cards manufactures give me standing ovations world over.

In typical me fashion I romanticized everything we did and thought this was the most meant to be relationship in the world…every song I heard was about us, every movie I watched was about us….with the exception of violent or horror flicks. The first movie I watched with a girl was with her and it was the notebook. I called her on midnight of December 31st which I reserve for extremely special people.

Then it was January and I came back to school and slowly things went back to normal but with a few subtle differences. Then as time went by I realized I was more invested in this emotionally than she was and as time went by I realized we were at very different levels. We couldn’t date or do anything and suddenly I turned into the girl, I’ve always been happy with things being less serious but suddenly I wanted a relationship and wanted to be together with her all the time (If you are rolling your eyes and calling me names I totally understand, I’ve done all that too) but she couldn’t because of some reasons I cannot explain at this particular moment.

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We tried everything to ensure we got over each other so we decided to be friends…that backfired since feelings were still involved so we said let’s keep winging it and see where the winds take us, but soon it started making me unhappy so I told her we would do this till February then on march 1st if we still weren’t together we would agree that the ship had sailed and we would never be together. I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we would have a sign that showed that we were meant to be so we waited.

Nothing changed, I continued to be immersed in the pseudo relationship alone. My friends all tried to talk me out of it and told me nothing would change but like the pompous prick I am, I continued believing that I knew better, after all, I know women really well.

So towards the end of Feb we got talking with a friend of mine who was ill about who would take care of you if you were ill. After she left I really started to think about it, my family is back home and if I got sick somehow I wouldn’t have anybody to take care of me…..6 months ago I had my friends and they would have done anything for me but now I don’t even know if we are still friends on account of how I have treated them while following my idiotic feelings. In case you guys read this, especially Sue, I am sorry I have been such a messed up friend. Turns out following your feelings isn’t always the way to go.

What about the girl, you ask? Well the deadline was March 1st and on February 28thi realized I had lost my friends, failed some very major exams and all for naught. I had gotten nothing in return, save for my wounded pride, hurt feelings and I hurt some people in the process. But the upside to this…I learnt from my mistakes, I got a great friend (if we can be friends), I got to realize that some great women still exist and I got a butt load of good stories to tell.

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I may have some sort of complex that makes me happy with women I cannot have but this has been my first time acting so……dare I say it, pathetic. I had become the shadow of the man I once was, I was the equivalent of a robot, at someone else’s beck and call and the worst part was I gave it a hundred per cent and it still didn’t work. It wasn’t all bad, I got to learn something about myself, one that I am not as impatient as I though, I mean if you can chase a girl for 6 months without getting anything, you are a freaking champ J. I also learnt that I can give more in relationships…I have never been one to try much, always throwing in the towel too early but now I know I can do better in relationships if I try.

So its okay I choose to look at that as a learning experience, look at everything as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. The romantic in me proffers that all I have to do is wait for the person I’m meant to be with and lavish her with all the attention I lavished on others. I also learnt even if you meet someone you think you should be with, don’t rely fully on your feelings, some common sense is also needed.

 Also, being a good guy is overrated, if you cannot find someone who loves you for you without changing or not even seeing the effort you are making to change, then screw it, you are better alone. You can’t use what you don’t have, so if you are shy, be shy, if you are weird be weird. She may not want the whole truth but she wants the whole you, she may not want to see it all at once but they do want to see the real you. When you find someone who gets that, stick with her. In addition, Women always know when you are not being real, and the worst thing you can do is fake it.

Life is too short to be miserable or to live like it’s a rehearsal so never lie, cheat, steal or drink but if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love, if you must steal, steal from bad company, if you must cheat, cheat death and if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away 

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So what was the point of this whole tirade………why must there always be a point, sometimes a guy just wants to write and feel better…but if there must be a point let it be this, I am back in every sense of the word, back to writing, back to the old me and back to the happy non pathetic me that I have always been.

 

à la prochaine