TRIBUTE TO THE SAD,LONELY CLOWN: Spit is the Devil’s Lube

So this is breast cancer awareness month, and yesterday I was shocked to find out that majority of the deaths these days are due to our lifestyles. When did it become so cool to eat junk food and spend the whole day seated playing video games or watching movies? So I let my mind wander to a scenario that would take place if I dropped dead given my unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle.
(So this is a possible scene at my burial service)
We are here to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of Brian Gichaga Njeri, how do we measure the worth of a man’s life? There is a time to be born and a time to die, a time to reap and a time to sow, a time to mourn and a time to heal. So we say goodbye to a loving son, uncle, friend and world class connoisseur of the booty….so does anyone have something to say about him…..
(I assume I will be there in ethereal form looking on. Here the ghost of a friend who lived like me will appear and this is our conversation)
Me: Hey Jim, How is heaven like,
Jim: unbelievable, it is like paradise…like your house if you were Hugh Hefner. You do anything you want, beautiful people all day, women who believe anything you tell them. I wish I could save you a seat, but that’s not where they sent me.
Me: Then, How did you know how heaven is like?
Jim: They make us look at a dvd when they are putting lube on the pitch fork.
Me: At least you get lube.
Jim: Only on the middle prong.
(So my best friend stands up to talk about me to the mourners)
What can I say about Brian, so many words come to mind so few you can say in church, but I will give it a try. Brian was a man of love, he loved his friends, he loved his family but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway, this was a man so full of love that it practically oozed out of him, at which point, of course, he would see a doctor but I kid the diseased whoremonger.
(Here my ghost would have heard enough and after vowing to haunt the aforementioned best friend would disappear to go haunt my former campus comrades and all my exes)
So I think to prevent that sad scenario, I have decided to start eating more healthy foods and do some exercise…..i know it is easier said than done but I am determined to start…in 2015.
My biggest problem right now about getting checkups is…how exactly do I go about it getting my prostate checked? I have to let a doctor give me the treatment inmates receive when they firsts get to jail. So I assume I will have downed enough drugs to knock out a baby hippo and when he starts I am still convinced I may scream and ask for the sweet release of death but I know it is for my own good. After the checkup I will go home and wait for a week after which I will call my doctor to find if my results are ok and apologize to the doctor for all the name calling when he put his fingers up the heart of darkness to check if my prostate is ok.
Anyway back to reality, I do not live as badly as my imaginary situation would indicate, but I, like millions of other men who are skinny, do not think that exercise is important for us because we do not have any fat to lose but turns out you can have health issues related to your diet no matter your body size.
So what is my point? Go get regular checkups if you have any future dreams and aspirations that you would want to live long enough to see. Why did I have to tell such a long unnecessary story to get this point across??No idea I have no one to talk to so I get kind of lonely and talk a lot when I get the chance to.
à la prochaine

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