Archive for love

Sometimes Love is Just not enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

I got this title from a Patty Smyth song which I never fully got until now because I’ve always been such a romantic I always seemed to think that if you love someone that’s all that matters and everything else in between can be worked out, I still think that but I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

Every once in a while you meet someone, a very special someone who turns your whole world upside down. There exists a finite combination of words in the English language but you try all possible combinations and then some trying to ensure that the conversation never ends. Well this has happened to me. The period between my last post and this one is the time it has taken for me to meet someone, fall in love and wait for the novelty to wear off once I realized I’d never get this person, so if you want someone to blame for my silence, blame her.

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In my last post here. I talked about her, and this is where we got to know each other. She is the single most amazing lady I have met in my life, the kind of person fairy tales are made to describe. Little blue birds float around, trees sing, cute piglets in top hats appear and sing, colors are brighter the air is fresher and the world seems like a better place…….ok maybe the birds and pigs are a stretch but in all honesty I haven’t been so happy in a long time, maybe ever. But what happens when you think something is going somewhere and it isn’t, and what happens when you decide that you would rather hurt than feel nothing at all???

I have always been an ardent advocate of not changing to appease people and while I still am, I finally know what people mean when they say they met someone who makes them want to be a better person. I met someone who I could be myself with, I told her everything I have done, while I am no Adolf Hitler, I am far from a saint so suffice it to say I have done some pretty bad things in my day. But I shared them all, I didn’t leave anything out or try to present a propitious picture of myself. Against all odds she liked me and I was really enamored. We painted a picture of a very cute happy couple, and it wasn’t just us, others saw it too. Every day nothing mattered but her, if we didn’t talk or see each other that were a wasted day. My studies didn’t matter, I stopped hanging out with my friends and tried as much as possible to become someone she could actually like and be proud of it.

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So in a nutshell this girl was like me in everything that mattered the only tiny differences were our characters, she is a people person while I prefer being alone, she sees good in everybody while I think most people have ulterior motives but that didn’t matter much. The first few months were great spending time together talking from the minute our eyes opened to when we slept, I was happy and that was all that mattered. During the Christmas break I was miserable for the 3 weeks I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t wait to be back here. I sent her very mushy messages every day and for a while, Shakespeare had nothing on me, I was writing things that ought to make the valentines cards manufactures give me standing ovations world over.

In typical me fashion I romanticized everything we did and thought this was the most meant to be relationship in the world…every song I heard was about us, every movie I watched was about us….with the exception of violent or horror flicks. The first movie I watched with a girl was with her and it was the notebook. I called her on midnight of December 31st which I reserve for extremely special people.

Then it was January and I came back to school and slowly things went back to normal but with a few subtle differences. Then as time went by I realized I was more invested in this emotionally than she was and as time went by I realized we were at very different levels. We couldn’t date or do anything and suddenly I turned into the girl, I’ve always been happy with things being less serious but suddenly I wanted a relationship and wanted to be together with her all the time (If you are rolling your eyes and calling me names I totally understand, I’ve done all that too) but she couldn’t because of some reasons I cannot explain at this particular moment.

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We tried everything to ensure we got over each other so we decided to be friends…that backfired since feelings were still involved so we said let’s keep winging it and see where the winds take us, but soon it started making me unhappy so I told her we would do this till February then on march 1st if we still weren’t together we would agree that the ship had sailed and we would never be together. I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we would have a sign that showed that we were meant to be so we waited.

Nothing changed, I continued to be immersed in the pseudo relationship alone. My friends all tried to talk me out of it and told me nothing would change but like the pompous prick I am, I continued believing that I knew better, after all, I know women really well.

So towards the end of Feb we got talking with a friend of mine who was ill about who would take care of you if you were ill. After she left I really started to think about it, my family is back home and if I got sick somehow I wouldn’t have anybody to take care of me…..6 months ago I had my friends and they would have done anything for me but now I don’t even know if we are still friends on account of how I have treated them while following my idiotic feelings. In case you guys read this, especially Sue, I am sorry I have been such a messed up friend. Turns out following your feelings isn’t always the way to go.

What about the girl, you ask? Well the deadline was March 1st and on February 28thi realized I had lost my friends, failed some very major exams and all for naught. I had gotten nothing in return, save for my wounded pride, hurt feelings and I hurt some people in the process. But the upside to this…I learnt from my mistakes, I got a great friend (if we can be friends), I got to realize that some great women still exist and I got a butt load of good stories to tell.

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I may have some sort of complex that makes me happy with women I cannot have but this has been my first time acting so……dare I say it, pathetic. I had become the shadow of the man I once was, I was the equivalent of a robot, at someone else’s beck and call and the worst part was I gave it a hundred per cent and it still didn’t work. It wasn’t all bad, I got to learn something about myself, one that I am not as impatient as I though, I mean if you can chase a girl for 6 months without getting anything, you are a freaking champ J. I also learnt that I can give more in relationships…I have never been one to try much, always throwing in the towel too early but now I know I can do better in relationships if I try.

So its okay I choose to look at that as a learning experience, look at everything as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. The romantic in me proffers that all I have to do is wait for the person I’m meant to be with and lavish her with all the attention I lavished on others. I also learnt even if you meet someone you think you should be with, don’t rely fully on your feelings, some common sense is also needed.

 Also, being a good guy is overrated, if you cannot find someone who loves you for you without changing or not even seeing the effort you are making to change, then screw it, you are better alone. You can’t use what you don’t have, so if you are shy, be shy, if you are weird be weird. She may not want the whole truth but she wants the whole you, she may not want to see it all at once but they do want to see the real you. When you find someone who gets that, stick with her. In addition, Women always know when you are not being real, and the worst thing you can do is fake it.

Life is too short to be miserable or to live like it’s a rehearsal so never lie, cheat, steal or drink but if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love, if you must steal, steal from bad company, if you must cheat, cheat death and if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away 

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So what was the point of this whole tirade………why must there always be a point, sometimes a guy just wants to write and feel better…but if there must be a point let it be this, I am back in every sense of the word, back to writing, back to the old me and back to the happy non pathetic me that I have always been.

 

à la prochaine

 

Tribute to my Gran

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 14, 2013 by bespokekenya

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I wish heaven had a phone so that I could hear your voice again…I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I
have are memories and a picture in a frame.
I love you grant and miss you each and every day

Our gran was a very special lady, we loved spending time with her, she always laughed and made us feel so welcome, it dint take a lot to make her happy, she loved simplicity and we loved her for that. Her loss is felt by the many she touched with her love, strength, conviction, wisdom and beauty of her soul. Wherever you are we know you are at peace. Thank you for being a wonderful mum to our parents. Thank you for the sacrifices, care, concern, love and everything you have done for us. We are forever grateful that we got to know you and experience life with her.

May you look down on us with love and pride as you rest in your new heavenly home. Your strength, spirit and love lives on in all of us. There’s so much more we would like to tell you but we hope you always knew we loved, cared and appreciated you. We will always love and remember you. You are dearly missed by all of us. Rest in peace grandma.

 

A look at Cross sexual relationships

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2013 by bespokekenya

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I have always gotten along extremely well with girls, some would even say better than I do with men, so it’s no surprise that my best friend is a girl, she has been for almost 6 years and I’ve loved every moment of it. The problem is usually the attitude people get when they hear about this. Apparently nobody believes we can be just friends, and this includes anybody we have individually dated. We both say we don’t care since we have been through too much as friends to let people affect us with their comments, what matters is that we will always be friends but I do wonder if our friendship affects our ability to be in healthy relationships

According to Bleske Rechek adult males reported more attraction to their friend than emerging adult females did, regardless of their own or their friend’s current relationship status. Young (23-27), emerging (18-23) and middle-aged (35-50) adult males and females nominated attraction to their cross-sex friend as a cost more often than as a benefit. Younger females and middle-aged participants who reported more attraction to a current cross-sex friend reported less satisfaction in their current romantic relationship. This would explain why people are so convinced that there are feelings involved.

Cross sexual friendships incite jealousy in romantic partners and hence we must re assure our romantic partners that the friendship isn’t a threat, this however is easier said than done. Tell you lady or man that you just came from a sleepover at your friend’s house and the poo hits the fan really fast.

The reasons such friendships rarely work out is because mostly, the media instills in men and women the suggestion that they should be attracted to their cross-sex friends. The media portrays ‘‘normal’’ relationships between men and women as sexual, and hence non-sexual relationships between men and women as strange and essentially impossible. This is evident in all the corny movies and soaps where the main characters yearn for love, date a bunch of guys before they realize love was there all along in the form of their friend (yawn) don’t get me wrong, I am a beige fan of these sappy movies and as a head in the clouds romantic, I do believe in these romantic things but I’m a bit skeptical that I can find the love of my life be friends and not know I have feelings for her.

The problem with these friendships is mainly the men since:

1) Men overestimate attraction from their female friends. We think all women want us and our friends are no exception to that…shame on us. This is in contrast to women who underestimate men’s attraction to them and mostly don’t even realize you are trying to express romantic interest in them.

2) Young men experience more attraction to their friends than young women do. We are more likely to be attracted to our female friends

3) Men perceive attraction to their female friends as a benefit as opposed to women who view attraction to their male friends as a distinct negative and as a cost.

4) Men’s attraction does not vary with relationship status; women’s does. We don’t care if our friend is in a relationship or not, if there is vested interest we will try till the end of time……or until we get what we want which could vary. But women do care, they have the sense to keep their attraction under wraps if the man is in a relationship, kudos to them.

The reasons you may feel that the relationship would do better if it was romantic is more often than not wrong since, for starters, the reasons you love her as a friend may not be particularly be what you look for in a relationship.

Also men benefit more from these friendships since you can talk to your female friends about things that you cannot to your male friends without being labeled as a bit…gay.so if it’s up to me, don’t ruin that by going from a platonic to a romantic relationship.

Finally, there is bound to be some sexual tension between two friends, the best way to handle this would be to talk about it. I once had a friend I tried to flirt with who blatantly told me she wouldn’t date me if I was the last man on earth, and boy do I appreciate that now since we are better friends than we were then

According to me, who may speak as a professional on this, to ensure your friendships last, don’t ignore the most important things, especially sexual tension, there may be some things that may attract you to your friend, don’t act all coy, do tell them and see how he/she reacts.

However, that being said, I tend to disagree with society and moralists which discourages casual sex on the basis that it’s unladylike and wrong. At the risk of being burned at the stake as a heretic, this isn’t 1960 where women were the lesser sex and I got mine hope you get yours mentality reigned. I think a woman has the right to have as much sex as she wants with whoever she wants provided it’s her choice, what makes it ok for a man to sleep with hordes of women and be adored while a lady sleeps with a number of men and she is labeled a slut???

To me, if two friends feel sufficiently evolved to sleep with each other no strings attached why not, not to be a cliché but you really do only live once. Plus, you never know you may just be sleeping with the future father or mother of your kids…….probably not, but there is a chance. This also applies to same sex friends, if you are a girl and you want to sleep with you female friends who are as open minded as you, go ahead, knock yourself out.

There is even a book that gives you a very precise step by step method to cross from the friend zone to a relationship but that’s for next time.