Archive for relationship

Being Single

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

What happened to the days when you could say you were single and people would envy you? Nowadays you tell people you are single and they look at you with that…look-at-that-loser look…and in my case they actual do say that out loud…but my friends only, nobody else has the audacity to call me a loser(at least not to my face)it seems that the whole world has become enthralled with the idea of being  a couple, never mind that almost half the people in relationships are cheating but what matters is they can associate as part of a romantic pair.

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This is also seen in the musical numbers being churned out by the day, what happened to the happy to be single songs? I don’t mean like Jason Derulo’s  ridin’ solo (that was not a man celebrating being single, it was a man wishing he was still in a relationship).I absolutely love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake but I wish there was a less depressing song a single person like me could sing to and not feel like I should be curled up in the fetal position with a ton of ice cream crying. My friend, who is recently single, recently being 3 days, just told me that all love songs are depressing…why do we associate with a certain kind of music when we are in different states? I think we should listen to all love songs and be indifferent even after a break up after all it’s not like we were was dating the one who is singing or the song isn’t about us (unless you happen to have dated Taylor swift, or Adele, then you are well and truly screwed).but this helps expound my idea on needing less depressing songs. I think Macklemore and Lewis had a good idea with the thrift shop jam, now that’s a good song, even a poor person who cannot afford designer wear can jam to this and feel empowered.

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These days it feels like I’m engaging in a lot of conversations that involve the words dry spell. Getting some, lonely and more dramatic ones like, use it or lose it. There is nothing wrong with being celibate. Recently I attended a church service where the pastor said that as society progresses. The trend is getting worrying; the single people are having more than the married ones sex and with more partners. According to me, this can all be blamed on women.

it used to be the men who were “chasing tail “to use a crude reference but now the tables have turned and women also ventured into the  foray. As a man, you are always expected to try to score with a lady, and in the olden days we could always rely on the ladies to shoot you down and thus the rampant sex wasn’t as evident as it is now. These days the numbers of girls who shoot men down are dwindling by the day. Also the women now feel empowered enough to walk up to a man and suggest casual sex with a straight face. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a good thing. I thought it would turn me on to no end when a lady did that to me, but oh the naivety of youth.

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The first time that happened to me I was very flattered thinking, I must be all  sorts of adorable to have someone as hot as her suggest casual sex and I got a huge ego boost(which my friends will say I did not need since I am my own biggest fan) however at some point it becomes old. Unfortunately men really do want the thrill of the chase, even the lazy ones like me. The stupidly constructed adage  ‘why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free’ meaning that men wouldn’t date a lady who sleeps with them while not in a relationship, never mind that these same men say you are uppity when you refuse to sleep with them, thus my parting shot on this is, you can never please  everybody no matter how hard you try, so give up trying and just do what makes you happy, if you want to hold on to it why not, if you want to exorcise your sexual demons outside a relationship, still why not, it’s a free country, for those men and women who judge others since they can’t understand why they do what they do and use terms like slut,whore,loose,go to hell, that’s that.

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If you are single quit fretting about lack of a partner, just keep doing you, don’t put your life on pause waiting for someone, do whatever makes you happy and  make yourself a better you .find some new hobbies, and use every relationship as a lesson, never let the next relationship get the same person you were in the previous one…the reason I say this is because for a long time I believed I was God’s gift to women, thinking I was the best boyfriend in the world since I’m a romantic and all, but reality check time, I realized I was a pompous ass and this belief that I was a good boyfriend was causing the end of my relationships since I always assumed the ladies were the problem. I can be a bit annoying and have larger than life expectations sometimes but I’ve learnt that to be happy learn to have low expectations and thus you will never be disappointed and lastly learn to accept people as they are don’t judge anyone because you do not understand them, be open to new things and get out of your comfort zone, do that and you will be happier than you have been, and this I say from experience.

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But at this age where we are all worried because we are supposed to be looking for partners because our biological clocks are ticking, and yes even men are included. but i just think that if you believe you will get the special person meant for you. Leave the happy couples you see,you don’t know what skeletons are in their closets plus,there’s a reason and a season for everything. use this time to enjoy yourself because one day you will be in a relationship and you will wish you were single or at least wish you had some great memories from when you were single.

Being single doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve and t doesn’t mean you know nothing about love, it’s just wiser than being in a fake relationship.

à la prochaine

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes Love is Just not enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

I got this title from a Patty Smyth song which I never fully got until now because I’ve always been such a romantic I always seemed to think that if you love someone that’s all that matters and everything else in between can be worked out, I still think that but I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

Every once in a while you meet someone, a very special someone who turns your whole world upside down. There exists a finite combination of words in the English language but you try all possible combinations and then some trying to ensure that the conversation never ends. Well this has happened to me. The period between my last post and this one is the time it has taken for me to meet someone, fall in love and wait for the novelty to wear off once I realized I’d never get this person, so if you want someone to blame for my silence, blame her.

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In my last post here. I talked about her, and this is where we got to know each other. She is the single most amazing lady I have met in my life, the kind of person fairy tales are made to describe. Little blue birds float around, trees sing, cute piglets in top hats appear and sing, colors are brighter the air is fresher and the world seems like a better place…….ok maybe the birds and pigs are a stretch but in all honesty I haven’t been so happy in a long time, maybe ever. But what happens when you think something is going somewhere and it isn’t, and what happens when you decide that you would rather hurt than feel nothing at all???

I have always been an ardent advocate of not changing to appease people and while I still am, I finally know what people mean when they say they met someone who makes them want to be a better person. I met someone who I could be myself with, I told her everything I have done, while I am no Adolf Hitler, I am far from a saint so suffice it to say I have done some pretty bad things in my day. But I shared them all, I didn’t leave anything out or try to present a propitious picture of myself. Against all odds she liked me and I was really enamored. We painted a picture of a very cute happy couple, and it wasn’t just us, others saw it too. Every day nothing mattered but her, if we didn’t talk or see each other that were a wasted day. My studies didn’t matter, I stopped hanging out with my friends and tried as much as possible to become someone she could actually like and be proud of it.

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So in a nutshell this girl was like me in everything that mattered the only tiny differences were our characters, she is a people person while I prefer being alone, she sees good in everybody while I think most people have ulterior motives but that didn’t matter much. The first few months were great spending time together talking from the minute our eyes opened to when we slept, I was happy and that was all that mattered. During the Christmas break I was miserable for the 3 weeks I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t wait to be back here. I sent her very mushy messages every day and for a while, Shakespeare had nothing on me, I was writing things that ought to make the valentines cards manufactures give me standing ovations world over.

In typical me fashion I romanticized everything we did and thought this was the most meant to be relationship in the world…every song I heard was about us, every movie I watched was about us….with the exception of violent or horror flicks. The first movie I watched with a girl was with her and it was the notebook. I called her on midnight of December 31st which I reserve for extremely special people.

Then it was January and I came back to school and slowly things went back to normal but with a few subtle differences. Then as time went by I realized I was more invested in this emotionally than she was and as time went by I realized we were at very different levels. We couldn’t date or do anything and suddenly I turned into the girl, I’ve always been happy with things being less serious but suddenly I wanted a relationship and wanted to be together with her all the time (If you are rolling your eyes and calling me names I totally understand, I’ve done all that too) but she couldn’t because of some reasons I cannot explain at this particular moment.

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We tried everything to ensure we got over each other so we decided to be friends…that backfired since feelings were still involved so we said let’s keep winging it and see where the winds take us, but soon it started making me unhappy so I told her we would do this till February then on march 1st if we still weren’t together we would agree that the ship had sailed and we would never be together. I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we would have a sign that showed that we were meant to be so we waited.

Nothing changed, I continued to be immersed in the pseudo relationship alone. My friends all tried to talk me out of it and told me nothing would change but like the pompous prick I am, I continued believing that I knew better, after all, I know women really well.

So towards the end of Feb we got talking with a friend of mine who was ill about who would take care of you if you were ill. After she left I really started to think about it, my family is back home and if I got sick somehow I wouldn’t have anybody to take care of me…..6 months ago I had my friends and they would have done anything for me but now I don’t even know if we are still friends on account of how I have treated them while following my idiotic feelings. In case you guys read this, especially Sue, I am sorry I have been such a messed up friend. Turns out following your feelings isn’t always the way to go.

What about the girl, you ask? Well the deadline was March 1st and on February 28thi realized I had lost my friends, failed some very major exams and all for naught. I had gotten nothing in return, save for my wounded pride, hurt feelings and I hurt some people in the process. But the upside to this…I learnt from my mistakes, I got a great friend (if we can be friends), I got to realize that some great women still exist and I got a butt load of good stories to tell.

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I may have some sort of complex that makes me happy with women I cannot have but this has been my first time acting so……dare I say it, pathetic. I had become the shadow of the man I once was, I was the equivalent of a robot, at someone else’s beck and call and the worst part was I gave it a hundred per cent and it still didn’t work. It wasn’t all bad, I got to learn something about myself, one that I am not as impatient as I though, I mean if you can chase a girl for 6 months without getting anything, you are a freaking champ J. I also learnt that I can give more in relationships…I have never been one to try much, always throwing in the towel too early but now I know I can do better in relationships if I try.

So its okay I choose to look at that as a learning experience, look at everything as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. The romantic in me proffers that all I have to do is wait for the person I’m meant to be with and lavish her with all the attention I lavished on others. I also learnt even if you meet someone you think you should be with, don’t rely fully on your feelings, some common sense is also needed.

 Also, being a good guy is overrated, if you cannot find someone who loves you for you without changing or not even seeing the effort you are making to change, then screw it, you are better alone. You can’t use what you don’t have, so if you are shy, be shy, if you are weird be weird. She may not want the whole truth but she wants the whole you, she may not want to see it all at once but they do want to see the real you. When you find someone who gets that, stick with her. In addition, Women always know when you are not being real, and the worst thing you can do is fake it.

Life is too short to be miserable or to live like it’s a rehearsal so never lie, cheat, steal or drink but if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love, if you must steal, steal from bad company, if you must cheat, cheat death and if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away 

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So what was the point of this whole tirade………why must there always be a point, sometimes a guy just wants to write and feel better…but if there must be a point let it be this, I am back in every sense of the word, back to writing, back to the old me and back to the happy non pathetic me that I have always been.

 

à la prochaine

 

Being Single

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2013 by bespokekenya

beWhat happened to the days when you could say you were single and people would envy you? Nowadays you tell people you are single and they look at you with that…look-at-that-loser look…and in my case they actual do say that out loud…but my friends only, nobody else has the audacity to call me a loser(at least not to my face).it seems that the whole world has become enthralled with the idea of being  a couple, never mind that almost half the people in relationships are cheating but what matters is they can associate as part of a romantic pair.

This is also seen in the musical numbers being churned out by the day, what happened to the happy to be single songs? I don’t mean like Jason Derulo’s ridin’ solo (that was not a man celebrating being single, it was a man wishing he was still in a relationship).I absolutely love Mirrors by Justin Timberlake but I wish there was a less depressing song a single person like me could sing to and not feel like I should be curled up in the fetal position with a ton of ice cream crying. My friend, who is recently single, recently being 3 days, just told me that all love songs are depressing…why do we associate with a certain kind of music when we are in different states? I think we should listen to all love songs and be indifferent even after a break up after all it’s not like we were was dating the one who is singing or the song isn’t about us (unless you happen to have dated Taylor swift, or Adele, then you are well and truly screwed).but this helps expound my idea on needing less depressing songs. I think Macklemore and Lewis had a good idea with the thrift shop jam, now that’s a good song, even a poor person who cannot afford designer wear can jam to this and feel empowered.

These days it feels like I’m engaging in a lot of conversations that involve the words dry spell. Getting some, lonely and more dramatic ones like, use it or lose it. There is nothing wrong with being celibate. Recently I attended a church service where the pastor said that as society progresses. The trend is getting worrying; the single people are having more than the married ones sex and with more partners. According to me, this can all be blamed on women.

it used to be the men who were “chasing tail “to use a crude reference but now the tables have turned and women also ventured into the  foray. As a man, you are always expected to try to score with a lady, and in the olden days we could always rely on the ladies to shoot you down and thus the rampant sex wasn’t as evident as it is now. These days the numbers of girls who shoot men down are dwindling by the day. Also the women now feel empowered enough to walk up to a man and suggest casual sex with a straight face. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a good thing. I thought it would turn me on to no end when a lady did that to me, but oh the naivety of youth.

The first time that happened to me I was very flattered thinking, I must be all  sorts of adorable to have someone as hot as her suggest casual sex and I got a huge ego boost(which m y friends will say I did not need since I am my own biggest fan) however at some point it becomes old. Unfortunately men really do want the thrill of the chase, even the lazy ones like me. The stupidly constructed adage  ‘why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free’ meaning that men wouldn’t date a lady who sleeps with them while not in a relationship, never mind that these same men say you are uppity when you refuse to sleep with them, thus my parting shot on this is, you can never please  everybody no matter how hard you try, so give up trying and just do what makes you happy, if you want to hold on to it why not, if you want to exorcise your sexual demons outside a relationship, still why not, it’s a free country, for those men and women who judge others since they can’t understand why they do what they do and use terms like slut,whore,loose,go to hell, that’s that.

If you are single quit fretting about lack of a partner, just keep doing you, don’t put your life on pause waiting for someone, do whatever makes you happy and  make yourself a better you .find some new hobbies, and use every relationship as a lesson, never let the next relationship get the same person you were in the previous one…the reason I say this is because for a long time I believed I was God’s gift to women, thinking I was the best boyfriend in the world since I’m a romantic and all, but reality check time, I realized I was a pompous ass and this belief that I was a good boyfriend was causing the end of my relationships since I always assumed the ladies were the problem. I can be a bit annoying and have larger than life expectations sometimes but I’ve learnt that to be happy learn to have low expectations and thus you will never be disappointed and lastly learn to accept people as they are don’t judge anyone because you do not understand them, be open to new things and get out of your comfort zone, do that and you will be happier than you have been, and this I say from experience.

being single doesnt mean you are weak,it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve and t doesnt mean you know nothing about love,its just wiser than being in a fake relationship.

à la prochaine

Looking at the friendzone

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2013 by bespokekenya

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So my last post was about cross sexual relationships, and no matter how much you try to drum it into people minds, they don’t seem to get that you shouldn’t date your friend so I obliged and give them the basis behind the friend zone and apparently how to get out of it.

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The reason I use apparently is because according to me,I always thought that if you wanted to transition from a friend to dating,all you had to do was act like a “spy behind enemy lines”.this means,if I wanted to date a friend,all id have to do is get to know what she likes,dislikes and everything that makes her tick and then change myself to suit her….i know that is wrong since you shouldn’t change yourself,and im not a lady but I think they would like it if their male friend decided to conform to their ideal mate or a reasonable facsimile…but ill have to ask my friends that and hope I don’t get called a douche for saying that(they do that a lot,my female friends are really liberal with calling me names……I think I should start complaining…anyway I digressed)

Falling into the friend zone is almost always an accident, but unfortunately it’s an accident that’s very difficult to recover from. When someone starts using the “we” verbage, saying you are like the sibling they never had, you are for all intents and purposes screwed since you have already been placed into the friend zone. There is only one way to potentially remove yourself from the friend zone, but you must risk everything, including the platonic friendship, to make it happen.

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The only way to defeat the friend zone is never to fall into it. So why does it happen? A man falls into the friend zone:

A) Because he does not bridge the touch gap. According to Joshua pellicer, think of the touch gap like this: when you first meet a woman, there is a little crack in the ground between you. As you communicate with her without touching her, the crack grows larger until it becomes a crevice that you must leap to get over. If you continue to build rapport without touching her, it becomes a massive canyon that you can’t cross

B) Because he builds rapport at the appearance of the first, tiny glimmer of interest from a woman Men who aren’t used to thinking of themselves as attractive to women tend to be needy, and pursue women too strongly when they’ve shown only minor signs of interest. Trying to build rapport too early in an interaction is a huge error that will land you in the friend zone.

When you meet a random girl, she is not judging you based on your looks; she judges you based on how you’re acting. If, from the very beginning, you act like you touch a lot, she will accept that that’s a part of your personality. It’s just who you are. She will think of you in the same way that she thinks of a man who is from a culture that frequently physically engages with other people.

Let’s begin with attraction. Attraction, again, is the phase in which you build curiosity. As you probably remember, the first stage within attraction is introduction, the time in which someone first becomes aware of your existence. Here have a light hand, be gentle, don’t move too quickly, and especially, don’t linger. Keep the touch to between 1-3 seconds. Touch only the shoulders, triceps and upper back area. Touching other areas and lingering make you seem sleazy…and if the girl doesn’t mind being touched in any place then that’s not the kind of girl you want…..that or you will have to pay her at the end of the night if you get my drift.

During rapport, you have stopped bantering and have become very real in an effort to establish an emotional connection with a woman. Touches should be both lingering and understanding. Whereas touch during attraction can only last 1-3 seconds, a touch during rapport can last for 4-7 seconds. The guidelines for where to touch during this phase depend on whether you are standing or sitting. When sitting, touching knees is acceptable, as is interlocking fingers when things become more intimate. While standing, the small of a woman’s back can be touched. It’s also possible, if you move slowly have built a great deal of trust, and are nearing the seduction phase, to touch the hair, neck, and face during rapport.

Touch during seduction is more aggressive and sexual. Be firm, but also be sensual. The difference between sensual and sexual is simple: the word “sexual” refers to sex, while the word “sensual” refers to one’s senses. Move your hand around a woman’s body to heighten her senses (and your own as well). This will allow her to focus on emotions that will aid in the seduction process.

During attraction, a woman will begin to touch you in return if you are touching her properly. You might notice an increase in random touches on your shoulder, or she might high-five you back. In the phase of rapport, lean back and study the woman’s body language. Did she lean forward? If she did, she’s sending you another positive

Signal. Humans tend to lean towards each other while building rapport in a literal attempt to bridge the gap between them and build a stronger connection. You’ll know you’re effectively building rapport if she continues to do this even when you lean back or break physical contact with her. When you’re in seduction, a woman is indicating interest if she faces you with her hips when you touch her, especially if she places her hips against you.

 

You’ll know you’ve failed to touch a woman properly if she:

A) Removes herself from the interaction by walking away

B) Turns her back on you, especially during rapport or seduction

C) Takes your hand off her.

A good rule to live by was “Remove your hand before she removes it.” Use your peripheral vision to keep an eye on her hands at all times. Whenever she starts moving them in a way that you think indicates that she might be about to remove your hand, take your hand off her immediately, take a step back, and keep talking. Don’t look at your hand while you do this – in fact, don’t ever look at your hands while you’re touching. Lots of guys do this, and it ruins the atmosphere of their touches.

Stay tuned for the next post.

à la prochaine