Archive for romance

Sometimes Love is Just not enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 3, 2014 by bespokekenya

I got this title from a Patty Smyth song which I never fully got until now because I’ve always been such a romantic I always seemed to think that if you love someone that’s all that matters and everything else in between can be worked out, I still think that but I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

Every once in a while you meet someone, a very special someone who turns your whole world upside down. There exists a finite combination of words in the English language but you try all possible combinations and then some trying to ensure that the conversation never ends. Well this has happened to me. The period between my last post and this one is the time it has taken for me to meet someone, fall in love and wait for the novelty to wear off once I realized I’d never get this person, so if you want someone to blame for my silence, blame her.

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In my last post here. I talked about her, and this is where we got to know each other. She is the single most amazing lady I have met in my life, the kind of person fairy tales are made to describe. Little blue birds float around, trees sing, cute piglets in top hats appear and sing, colors are brighter the air is fresher and the world seems like a better place…….ok maybe the birds and pigs are a stretch but in all honesty I haven’t been so happy in a long time, maybe ever. But what happens when you think something is going somewhere and it isn’t, and what happens when you decide that you would rather hurt than feel nothing at all???

I have always been an ardent advocate of not changing to appease people and while I still am, I finally know what people mean when they say they met someone who makes them want to be a better person. I met someone who I could be myself with, I told her everything I have done, while I am no Adolf Hitler, I am far from a saint so suffice it to say I have done some pretty bad things in my day. But I shared them all, I didn’t leave anything out or try to present a propitious picture of myself. Against all odds she liked me and I was really enamored. We painted a picture of a very cute happy couple, and it wasn’t just us, others saw it too. Every day nothing mattered but her, if we didn’t talk or see each other that were a wasted day. My studies didn’t matter, I stopped hanging out with my friends and tried as much as possible to become someone she could actually like and be proud of it.

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So in a nutshell this girl was like me in everything that mattered the only tiny differences were our characters, she is a people person while I prefer being alone, she sees good in everybody while I think most people have ulterior motives but that didn’t matter much. The first few months were great spending time together talking from the minute our eyes opened to when we slept, I was happy and that was all that mattered. During the Christmas break I was miserable for the 3 weeks I couldn’t see her and I couldn’t wait to be back here. I sent her very mushy messages every day and for a while, Shakespeare had nothing on me, I was writing things that ought to make the valentines cards manufactures give me standing ovations world over.

In typical me fashion I romanticized everything we did and thought this was the most meant to be relationship in the world…every song I heard was about us, every movie I watched was about us….with the exception of violent or horror flicks. The first movie I watched with a girl was with her and it was the notebook. I called her on midnight of December 31st which I reserve for extremely special people.

Then it was January and I came back to school and slowly things went back to normal but with a few subtle differences. Then as time went by I realized I was more invested in this emotionally than she was and as time went by I realized we were at very different levels. We couldn’t date or do anything and suddenly I turned into the girl, I’ve always been happy with things being less serious but suddenly I wanted a relationship and wanted to be together with her all the time (If you are rolling your eyes and calling me names I totally understand, I’ve done all that too) but she couldn’t because of some reasons I cannot explain at this particular moment.

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We tried everything to ensure we got over each other so we decided to be friends…that backfired since feelings were still involved so we said let’s keep winging it and see where the winds take us, but soon it started making me unhappy so I told her we would do this till February then on march 1st if we still weren’t together we would agree that the ship had sailed and we would never be together. I had hoped that some miracle would happen and we would have a sign that showed that we were meant to be so we waited.

Nothing changed, I continued to be immersed in the pseudo relationship alone. My friends all tried to talk me out of it and told me nothing would change but like the pompous prick I am, I continued believing that I knew better, after all, I know women really well.

So towards the end of Feb we got talking with a friend of mine who was ill about who would take care of you if you were ill. After she left I really started to think about it, my family is back home and if I got sick somehow I wouldn’t have anybody to take care of me…..6 months ago I had my friends and they would have done anything for me but now I don’t even know if we are still friends on account of how I have treated them while following my idiotic feelings. In case you guys read this, especially Sue, I am sorry I have been such a messed up friend. Turns out following your feelings isn’t always the way to go.

What about the girl, you ask? Well the deadline was March 1st and on February 28thi realized I had lost my friends, failed some very major exams and all for naught. I had gotten nothing in return, save for my wounded pride, hurt feelings and I hurt some people in the process. But the upside to this…I learnt from my mistakes, I got a great friend (if we can be friends), I got to realize that some great women still exist and I got a butt load of good stories to tell.

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I may have some sort of complex that makes me happy with women I cannot have but this has been my first time acting so……dare I say it, pathetic. I had become the shadow of the man I once was, I was the equivalent of a robot, at someone else’s beck and call and the worst part was I gave it a hundred per cent and it still didn’t work. It wasn’t all bad, I got to learn something about myself, one that I am not as impatient as I though, I mean if you can chase a girl for 6 months without getting anything, you are a freaking champ J. I also learnt that I can give more in relationships…I have never been one to try much, always throwing in the towel too early but now I know I can do better in relationships if I try.

So its okay I choose to look at that as a learning experience, look at everything as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. The romantic in me proffers that all I have to do is wait for the person I’m meant to be with and lavish her with all the attention I lavished on others. I also learnt even if you meet someone you think you should be with, don’t rely fully on your feelings, some common sense is also needed.

 Also, being a good guy is overrated, if you cannot find someone who loves you for you without changing or not even seeing the effort you are making to change, then screw it, you are better alone. You can’t use what you don’t have, so if you are shy, be shy, if you are weird be weird. She may not want the whole truth but she wants the whole you, she may not want to see it all at once but they do want to see the real you. When you find someone who gets that, stick with her. In addition, Women always know when you are not being real, and the worst thing you can do is fake it.

Life is too short to be miserable or to live like it’s a rehearsal so never lie, cheat, steal or drink but if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love, if you must steal, steal from bad company, if you must cheat, cheat death and if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away 

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So what was the point of this whole tirade………why must there always be a point, sometimes a guy just wants to write and feel better…but if there must be a point let it be this, I am back in every sense of the word, back to writing, back to the old me and back to the happy non pathetic me that I have always been.

 

à la prochaine

 

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Can money buy you happiness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2013 by bespokekenya

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So lately I’ve been thinking deeply about this recently the answer to the age old question…no not what do women want, its, can money buy happiness? People have debated this for a long time and I thought it’s only right that I put my two cents in. In my opinion, with a lot of money I can buy everything I’ve ever wanted, I can have all the fancy cars, homes, clothes and gadgets I want, hell I could even own an island…or a small country (depending on the location of course) and not to mention I’d impress the hell out of everyone I meet, have more people like me and all.

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But here’s the problem, being rich isn’t all its cut out to be, sure it’s nice being able to buy whatever you want at a whim, but wealth comes at a price. For starters, the excitement you get when buying a new pair of jeans or shoes will not be there since you can afford it anytime you want and let’s not kid ourselves, we all feel great when we buy new clothes, male or female.

You also wouldn’t have a lot of genuine friends.in my current state, I know most of the people who like me tolerate me for my personality seeing as I don’t have any materials they could be after (I always say some people don’t love me for who I am but who I’m destined to be) so in all likelihood, the friends I have in my life are true friends. But when you are wealthy, you never know if the people in your life like you for what you can offer. Like leeches or ticks sucking you dry. You will always question if they are true or not. For men, you will question the women you date, are they there for romance or money.

For women, wealth means you will scare off men. It’s not news that men are sometimes intimidated by successful women, so right there we have a problem, do you downplay your success so that men will be attracted to you or wait till you find a man who isn’t intimidated? In my view, don’t date a man who is less successful than you, find an ambitious man or one who is more successful, but that’s just me.

Another issue is you will not rest easy at all times. Rich people always want to get richer, and they are always on their toes to prevent the loss of their wealth or trying to get richer. At least when you have nothing except the basic needs you can rest easy.

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Finally you have heard the ever famous question can money buy you happiness?

Is it better to laugh while riding a bike or while being chauffeured in a range rover? (I’ve always thought this was a rather silly metaphor)

There are many things money can buy…..and it would seem rather obvious that having loads of money would make you happier. But it isn’t exactly so.

Psychologists and economists who have studied the relationship between money and happiness paint a different picture. According to them, you’d likely grow tired of your mansion in a matter of years. You see, people have an astonishing ability to adapt to all sorts of situations, and while that can be a good thing if you get locked out of your house during a drenching rain, it also means you’d quickly grow accustomed to a life of affluence. A fancy car or a mansion would be great for a while, but after a few days or weeks, their newness would wear off, and you’d go in search of the next best thing. Even surveys of lottery winners indicate that their initial joy at hitting the jackpot wears off in just a few months.

The one place that money and happiness are significantly linked is when a person is unable to afford to meet their basic needs. There is an appreciable difference in levels of happiness between those below the poverty level and those above it.

According to psychology today, homeless people in Calcutta, for instance, score a mere 2.9 on a 7-point scale of happiness, while multimillionaires in the United States rank themselves a cheery 5.8. Once people pass that poverty threshold, though, the money boost tapers off; Inuits in Greenland and Masai ranchers living in Kenyan dung huts are just as happy as the high-society Americans So while the Warren Buffetts of the world are indeed more content than beggars on the street, they’re not a whole lot happier than people who herd cattle for a living.

The problem is that people are simply spending their money on the wrong things. People can spend their money in ways which will make them, and others around them, happier—by focusing their expenditures on activities that satisfy their basic psychological needs. This would explain why the richest people in the world give staggering amounts to charity.

Maslow’s hierarchy needs theory sets self-actualization as the final need. Maslow wanted to understand what motivates people. He believed that individuals possess a set of motivation systems unrelated to rewards or unconscious desires

Maslow (1943) stated that people are motivated to achieve certain needs. When one need is fulfilled a person seeks to fulfill the next one, and so on.

This five stage model can be divided into basic (or deficiency) needs (e.g. physiological, safety, love, and esteem) and growth needs (self-actualization).

One must satisfy lower level basic needs before progressing on to meet higher level growth needs.  Once these needs have been reasonably satisfied, one may be able to reach the highest level called self-actualization.

Every person is capable and has the desire to move up the hierarchy toward a level of self-actualization.  Unfortunately, progress is often disrupted by failure to meet lower level needs. Life experiences including divorce and loss of job may cause an individual to fluctuate between levels of the hierarchy.

Maslow noted only one in a hundred people become fully self-actualized because our society rewards motivation primarily based on esteem, love and other social needs.

So in case any future billionaire reads this, even me who is writing…when you reach at a comfortable level, start trying to help your community. Don’t be content just helping those you love or helping to get recognition, instead aim towards making the world a better place. For those who believe in a higher powerful being, you know God will bless you in return and for those who also believe in karma, you know it will all come back to you.

à la prochaine